


Sjutsu

by Vintar



Category: Homestuck, Naruto
Genre: Explicit Language, Gen, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-06
Updated: 2012-08-06
Packaged: 2017-11-11 13:38:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vintar/pseuds/Vintar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Immortality has its downsides.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sjutsu

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [TH](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tanukiham) for the beta and for not immediately smacking the keyboard out of my hands.

The problem all started with god tier.

Everything up to that point had been fucking peachy. The miserable shit-stain of a world had been destroyed by a torrent of heavenly wrath, there were a bunch of monsters to kill, and, after a good hour fiddling with the weird science machine, Hidan had created one wicked scythe. Some little guy in a hat had shown up to be his guide; he had stabbed Hidan, Hidan had stabbed him, and the two had become fast friends.

God tier, though...

"Try another one," Hidan wheezed. 

Jack pulled out one of the many knives sunk into Hidan's chest, eyed it speculatively, and jabbed it back in.

"That was the same knife!" Hidan shouted. "Add another one."

Jack looked miserably in his war chest. Stabbing was not helping, and he was out of knives. These were both unprecedented states; somewhere in the deepest recesses of his soul, a tiny existential crisis was brewing.

Hidan glared at him. This was made slightly awkward by the collection of knives, blades, and pikes bristling from his chest. "Well, go get some more!" he shouted, tilting his head to glare around a switchblade. After a moment, he added, "Big ones!"

 

\-- vetoRedemption [VR] began sparring with terminalTransplant [TT] \--

VR: HEY YOU GODLESS WASTE OF SPACE  
VR: GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME OUT  
VR: PS BRING ALL THE POINTY THINGS  
TT: i am busy  
VR: MAN FUCK YOUR SIDEQUESTS  
TT: it is not a sidequest  
TT: it is more  
TT: leisure  
VR: YOU'RE FUCKING WITH MONEY SHIT AGAIN AREN'T YOU  
VR: WHO GOES INTO A MAGICAL WORLD AND STARTS FINE TUNING ITS ECONOMY  
VR: WHO EVEN DOES THAT  
TT: apparently not you  
TT: it may interest you to learn that iron and tide now has complete financial control over bones and circles  
TT: i have sold all rights to your consorts to itachi  
TT: i believe he has taken a shine to them  
VR: WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT MY STUPID CROW PEOPLE  
VR: CAW CAW LOOK AT ME I'M A BIRD I'M DUMB AS SHIT  
VR: NOW GET OVER HERE AND KILL ME  
TT: gladly  
VR: GREAT  
VR: ASK FOR DIRECTIONS FROM THE GUY WITH A COMPLETELY INADEQUATE AMOUNT OF KNIVES

\-- vetoRedemption [VR] ceased sparring with terminalTransplant [TT] \--

TT: pardon

 

"Perhaps the key is to remove your heart, rather than piercing it."

"Is that a cape?"

"It may be that the game requires your heart to stop before counting you as dead. Since yours will not stop, removing it from your person may serve to fulfill the requirements."

"Is that a fucking _cape_?"

Kakuzu glared. After a moment, he attempted to discreetly shuffle the offending item behind him. "I had no control over the cape."

"Sure thing, Captain Waterfall. Glad to know that you're here to save the day!"

With a terrible cracking noise, Kakuzu drove his hand into Hidan's chest. Fishing around for a moment, he pulled out Hidan's heart.

"Do you feel any different?" he asked, after the screams had died down.

"You know, I do!" said Hidan. "Let me express my feelings via gesture."

"Breaking your fingers will probably not bring you closer to god tier," Kakuzu said, "but I am willing to try it anyway."

"Look, just figure out-- oh, for fuck's sake, give it back already--" he stuffed his heart back in his chest. "Just figure out a way to kill me."

"Perhaps you should ask your god for guidance. This is a matter of life and death. He'll have all the answers."

"Do you mean that?"

"No."

"You fucking--" Hidan sat up. His heart flopped out of the hole in his chest, bounced off the flat surface of the quest bed, and tumbled down to the ground far below. The two of them watched it impassively.

Kakuzu sighed. "I'll call the others."

 

"What the fuck is _that_."

"I believe it's part of the game," said Pain.

"I don't want to play a game that needs Tobi to not have pants."

"None of us do," said Konan, "except for Tobi."

"It's very freeing!" said Tobi.

The pantsed portion of the group turned their backs on Tobi and leaned over Hidan, laid out on his quest bed. While the Akatsuki cloaks had not been designed for fashion, having each of them sport different god tier outfits in bright colours had not turned out to be an improvement.

"Well, apparently dying of laughter won't work," Hidan said. "Any other ideas?"

"Bleed him out," said Kisame.

"Tried it."

"Knives," said Itachi.

"Apparently no-one in this sorry excuse for a universe has enough, _not mentioning any names_." Jack, midway through putting his war chest back in order, turned to snarl at him. He snarled back. "Jack," Hidan clarified, after a moment of mutual snarling. "I'm talking about Jack."

"Maybe if I blow him up?" said Deidara. 

"Yeah, that could work, _or_ that could leave me in a billion pieces."

"Worth the risk. All in favour, yeah?"

"No," Pain said. "To win this game, we need everyone present and in the minimum number of pieces."

"Pithing," suggested Sasori.

"Excellent idea," said a voice. "Good thinking!" said another.

"Okay, A, no-one knows what that is, and B," Hidan squinted in Sasori's direction, "did you bring your _parents_?"

"Sprite prototyping," said Sasori, flatly. His mother and father stood proudly behind him. It would have been the very image of a happy family, were they not conjoined at the waist and floating.

"What a clever little guy," said his father, and patted Sasori fondly on the head with one giant scorpion claw.

"Holy shit," said Hidan. "Did you at least get to your quest bed before you died of embarrassment?" 

"I could eat your organs," Zetsu offered.

Pain rubbed his chin. "I believe that all of him has to remain on the quest bed."

"Well, I could sort of sit up here while I was doing it." Zetsu tried to cosy up next to Hidan, who promptly kicked him.

"No getting handsy. Vinesy. What the fuck ever."

"I have an idea!" chirped Tobi.

Hidan narrowed his eyes. "Shut the fuck up, Tobi."

"No, listen to him," said Pain. "We're running out of ideas. We need to consider every possibility. Tobi, go ahead."

"Okay!" Tobi fished around in his sylladex and pulled out a lump of fabric. "I played around with the alchemiter, and, well, I made this!" He unfurled his prize. It was a sweater. Despite being coded into existence, it still managed to look badly made. "I thought that since you're immortal anyway, maybe you could put this on and just trick the game into thinking that you went god tier. I couldn't decide whether you'd be Blood or Rage on account of being full of both, so I kind of put both of their symbols on there!"

Everyone considered this.

"Shut the fuck up, Tobi," Hidan said.

"Maybe suffocation?" suggested Konan. A piece of paper floated down towards Hidan's face. He snapped at it.

"Perhaps several techniques simultaneously might suffice," said Itachi.

"What? No way."

"I believe that sounds like our best chance," said Pain.

"I believe that sounds like fuck off and die," said Hidan.

"All in favour?" Pain looked around the group, hands raised. "It's decided. Kill Hidan."

"Look," Konan pointed out, as Hidan sunk his teeth into her hand. "It will just be for a few minutes."

"It will just be a few inches of brain matter," said Sasori, trying to hold Hidan's head still.

"It will just be a few organs," said Zetsu, trying to avoid getting kicked in the face.

"It'll just be a small explosion," said Deidara, stroking a tiny clay bird.

A belated moment of realisation blossomed over the group. 

And then, so did the explosion.

 

The Akatsuki sat around in the smouldering wreckage of the quest bed. Sasori's mother gently patted at the flames on his hood. 

Wordlessly, Hidan reached over to Tobi, snatched the sweater out of his hands, and jammed it over his head. "Okay," he said. "I am now the Priest of Bloodrage. Let's move on."

"I don't think that's a proper title, Hidan."

"Shut the fuck up, Tobi."


End file.
